Two families

Like the one from last time I was in Japan about a year and a half ago, we went to a get-together dinner with my dad’s side of the family (mostly his cousins & their families).

The next day, I met my stepmother’s family for the first time since she and my dad got married last year.

My dad’s family, all from Osaka:

…and my stepmom’s family, in the small town of Shirakawa in Fukushima prefecture:

‘Nuff said?

My complicated relationship with Japan, Part 4

I apologize for the lack of posts this week.

I’m back with the last part (for now?) of the “My complicated relationship with Japan” series, and I’m going to end on some positive notes.

First of all, two things of note that I like about going to Japan:

- Food. I love Japanese food. Ramen, udon, soba, takoyaki, okonomiyaki, sushi, donburi, tempura, sekihan, and Japanese curry, and snack food like dango and anpan. Even the “Western” food tastes better, like spaghetti and korokke (croquette), or desserts like cheesecake and crêpes. Everything in Japan is delicious. It seems that when I’m in Japan, I’m living for my next meal.

- Family. As much as it’s annoying to be with some of them sometimes, I’m no different than most other people that I enjoy spending time with relatives. In particular, I’ve always stayed in fairly good contact with my cousins on my mom’s side, and they both have two young kids. It’s been fun to see how they’ve grown every time I go back to Japan.
The last time I went to Japan, we had what might be called a “family reunion” dinner on my dad’s side, and it was the best part of that trip (family and food!). I’d always thought I had a rather small family (only child, only a total of 4 cousins), but I met relatives I didn’t even know I had. Over at our young-people side of the table, I sat next to (bear with me) my grandmother’s cousin’s great-grandson (that would mean a great-great-grandparent of mine would have been the sibling of this guy’s great-grandparent, I think), who was the same age as me. There was also my dad’s cousin’s daughter (or my grandma’s sister’s granddaughter, if you prefer), who coincidentally happened to be back in Japan from Germany (where she currently lives) at the same time I was there.

I’m careful to say “I don’t like going to Japan,” as opposed to “I don’t like Japan.” If I wasn’t proud of who I am, I wouldn’t have this blog. If you haven’t been to Japan and might be interested in going, I’d encourage you to do so. You’ll probably have a great time. For you, it’ll all be new, and you won’t have the problems I have. And if you’re white (or black, for that matter) and know 2 phrases in Japanese, everyone will love and adore you.

Which brings me to… I’ve had more than one person suggest to me that I’ll have a much easier time in Japan if I play up my American-ness. In a way, that might be true, as one of my problems is that I look and sound too Japanese to be an obvious “foreigner” (particularly if I’m with family), except I’m sure there’s something that seems a bit “off” about me. So while the average foreigner traveling in Japan will impress locals by knowing any Japanese or anything about Japan, I look and sound the part of a Japanese woman enough that I suspect I strike people as just weird and a little stupid. I feel this way pretty often in stores, train stations, information desks, hotels, taxis, etc.

But do I put on a fake American accent and pretend I don’t speak Japanese well? That wouldn’t exactly solve my problem of feeling like I can’t be myself in Japan, would it? Do I tell people every time “I’m an American”?…Right, because then people won’t think I’m weird at all. I’d just confuse people.

The struggle continues, I guess.

My complicated relationship with Japan, Part 3

As I’ve matured and grown up, of course, I don’t exactly go to Japan kicking and screaming anymore. I’m not constrained by parental supervision, and I know how to get around on my own. Going back to Japan as an adult has its own problems, however.

- I feel societal pressures to act Japanese. I don’t think this mattered so much as a kid. The problem is, I have very much an American personality. I like clear, brutal honesty, I can’t stand fake politeness, and I like people to take me seriously at face value. I get frustrated by the metaphorical acrobatics involved in Japanese social interactions. Yet, one thing I do have is respect for values and expectations that differ from my own, so I follow the rules anyway. The end result of that is that I feel that I’m surrounded by artifice and I can never be myself while I’m in Japan.

- I still don’t like being cut off from my life. Typically when I’m in Japan, I’m surrounded by people whose average age is about 55. I generally have nobody my own age to talk to. They don’t have computers (“We e-mail by phone; why would we need a computer?” say my aunt and uncle). The combination of cultural and generational gaps make it near impossible for relatives to even begin to understand what my life abroad is like. Needless to say, it makes me feel lonely and isolated.

Last time I was in Japan with my dad, he decided to take me away from my maternal uncle and aunt’s house where I normally stay to my great-aunt (dad’s aunt)’s place where he usually stays when he visits Japan. In a way, she’s pretty cool: 80 years old, and lives independently on the 5th story of an apartment building with no elevator. And maybe because of that, she’s still quite healthy in both mind and body. But in typical my-dad fashion, he left for a trip to Tokyo with no notice, leaving me alone with this old woman for several days. And honestly, there’s only so much I have to say to her, but just packing up and taking off didn’t seem like the right thing to do, either. So between meals and personal hygiene, I mostly sat and watched hours upon hours of TV, while my great-aunt asked me things like “Do they have commercials in America?” and “Aren’t you scared all by yourself?” (I live in Portland with no family here) and fussed over whether I’m too cold or if I’m getting enough to eat (and never believing me when I honestly tell her I’m full).

- Traveling with a friend or boyfriend can be helpful but has its own problems, as it saddles me with the twin, often competing responsibilities of spending time with relatives and making sure my tourist American companion is having a good time. And do you know how difficult it is to be having two conversations in two languages, at the same time? Not that I blame them, but I think people tend to ignore and not hear things they don’t understand. When I was there with my boyfriend at my aunt and uncle’s house, I don’t know how many times I found myself with my talkative boyfriend and my talkative aunt literally talking to me at the same time about different subjects while I struggled to keep up with the two conversations, the two of them completely oblivious to what was going on.

And of course, I have to budget my time, figuring out how much time to spend at “home” and how much time to spend tourist-ing with my American friends taking them to places. Traveling with someone that speaks zero Japanese and have never been to Japan adds extra stress as they’re essentially dependent on you. All the while, I worry if the time and money they’re spending to accompany me on this trip is worthwhile.